Racism. Yes I'm White

It’s sad to say but racism has evolved. It is no longer the simple concept that you view a different race as inferior based on their skin color.  I fear that in today’s world it is more a misunderstanding of the opposite race’s culture that drives this new “racism”.  Some reading this may think that as semantics and that it is still a concept of finding yourself superior based on culture rather than race.  I would beg to argue because I believe if we simply understood each other then maybe this void could be closed and we can all coexist.   What I’m about to write are not my personal feelings toward black people. I know many black people and have high level of respect for most, if not all, of them.  These are simple theories that went through my head as viewpoints from a white person’s perspective.

New Racism is Fear Based

Much like the fear we have for terrorists after 9/11 and the many other bombing, we fear blacks for the same reason.  No not all blacks are violent. When I turn on the news what do I see? Blacks kill blacks in this city, that town, and so on.  Being a person who works and worships with black people I know there are many out there doing good works but somehow the news is not portraying that for the average white person. 

Media also likes to spend much time expounding on the lives of the stars when they go bad.  Ray Rice and Chris Brown are thrown in our faces while we neglect all the great things black celebrities are doing for communities everywhere.  We hear about Greg Hardy for weeks but don’t pay more than 10 minutes attention to the inner city public schools who are benefiting from the sports starts in that city.

Movies and rap music can also help lean toward the concept that blacks have a propensity for violence.  I think of early rap, since I don’t listen to secular any more, when I make that statement.  Songs like “F*** the Police” by NWA, Nelly singing about a “street sweeper”, plenty of references to guns in Tupac and Biggie songs, lead us to think that every black is a gangsta.  White people hear this and start to think that the whole black community is about drugs, guns, violence, and making that all mighty dollar by any means necessary. 

New Racism comes from Lack of Knowledge

If you were to check my Facebook friends list you would see many people of varied skin color. However, I would say that I’m not very knowledgeable in their cultures or lifestyles.  I would say that outside my own family, I hang out with one couple and they are white.  It would be easy for me to say that is because I work many hours a week, have 2 infants, and really no time for relationship maintenance so I stick with just one. Truth is I just don’t put forth the effort at this or any previous time.

I believe that many people assume that people who live in the “ghetto” or rough neighborhoods do so because they want to.  I’ve heard it said “If they don’t like it why don’t they get out?” The problem is that getting out or even getting slightly ahead is not that easy for people from lower economic standings. I would venture to guess that it is even harder for those of non-white skin color.  I’ve had the pleasure of working 80 hours a week and not being able to save anything up because bills are high and pay isn’t. 

Better yet I’ve also heard “why don’t they change the environment they live in” as if it is some easy thing to invest back into your city or hood.  I assume most people don’t want to live in run down duplexes, have cracked sidewalks, pot holes and side of the street parking. I would wager that even those in the city would love a house to call their own, a yard for their kids to play, and a garage to park their car.  Sadly that reality is a lot tougher to get when you have to climb a ladder that has greased rungs.    

A huge thing lately that contributes to fear, as well as lack of knowledge, is the protests by major sports players.  The kneeling during the national anthem was taken as a negative because they aren’t following the rule that you must stand. The raising of the fist is a sign of “black power” which is misinterpreted as “power over white people”.  I think it would be better if we used the term equality.  Women have used this for decades in search for their “power” or “voice”.  Blacks aren’t looking to make slaves out of the white folk, they are looking to be equal.  Blacks gaining more power does not mean they are lords over the whites but have the same privileges and chances as any white person.  We are not talking supremacy but equality.  Most whites don’t see this when they see the term “black power” or “black lives matter”. Rather than it sparking conversation it becomes a catalyst to disapprove of the movement as a whole. 

I write this in the short half hour I have for lunch and hope that it simply opens conversation.  I don’t see color, I have black, Asian, Hispanic, and white friends.  I do not ignore the fact that color exists though and would be open to learn more about the struggle that those individuals face on a daily.  I hope this can open honest dialogue and not spew hatred and cause a greater divide.  If it is not very clearly written I apologize but they were all thoughts swirling around in my head and I just had to write them down and did so in a half hour. Thank you for those of you who read it, and please feel free to message me or comment if you wish to discuss anything further.  Let’s learn how to love and not be so afraid. We don’t have to understand each other to realize we should all be treated the same.  

toughest job

What do you think about when someone tells you they are a "stay at home" mother? My initial picture is June Cleaver. She is never stressed out, always had time to cook, clean, and basically hold the house together. What the show didn't show us was how she handled infants. Most TV shows don't show that period of life. (Probably because babies are just so hard to work out a contract with) 

Now that we have 2 little children 1 year and under; it is astonishing to see how much my lovely wife's life has to change.  I never really saw her as a career woman. She held a job and did a fantastic job doing it. I had not put much thought into the idea that she had actually defined herself by her job. You often hear of guys finding their identity in their work but not so much women. Having established herself in a field she loved and proven herself worthy was a grand achievement. Leaving it to go into a chaotic environment where you can't communicate with the "coworkers" aka kids had to be quite the culture shock.  Work had provided a structured and organized environment that allowed her to know what she needed to do and how she needed to do it. Parenting on the other hand seems to be one of those learn on the fly type deals. No two parenting styles are the same and none are specific for every child. She was now forced to labor in understanding the children and how they communicate in order to fulfill her new role as a mother. This is a daily challenge that though she seems to struggle time to time, I think she is doing a marvelous job.  

Suddenly having to reestablish yourself as the boss while leaving friends that you have built a report with over many years leads into another bump in the transition. Luckily she has been blessed with great coworkers in the past that still offer her that adult company that every mother needs.  To be with 2 children who cannot formulate a sentence doesn't stimulate the mind very much on the intellectual level.  With me working as many hours as I can she is forced to find friends that can offer her a respite from the whines, cries, or simple happy yet uncomprehendable jibberish of her daily interactions.  If the roles were reversed and I were to stay at home I don't know how I would handle the lack of interaction even though I'm not much of a social butterfly.  

Erin has acclimated well to her new role as mother. (In my opinion) She does her best and I am extremely proud of all that she does.  It isn't easy getting 2 kids dressed, fed, and ready to go out and grocery shop while affording daddy time to sleep during the day.  Being there when one needs fed, the other needs attention, and the dog needs a walk.  Becoming their first teacher, encouraging them to speak, do sign language, use manors, clean up, and have fun. There is no punching the clock, no hourly wage, and hardly enough recognition to begin to show how great a job she does.  Thank you dear.

loyalty

Loyalty is a very difficult thing to think about. It's not a concrete object that can be given and taken away and yet people constanly give and take it.  Like "love" it is an important gift from a person.  I have been told many times that I am a very loyal friend. I view my loyalty something like this;

I meet a new person who becomes a friend, co-worker, aquantance, or however you view them and I automatically give a degree of loyalty to them. I would call it initailly respect.  I do not automatically hate a person for no reason and thus I respect them as a human being and person, therefore, I give them my loyalty. At this point it is like a seed. If the relationship with that person does not grow the seed remains a seed. If the relationship is abandoned and it was a chance encounter then the seed is discarded.  However if there are multiple encounters and the relationship grows then so does the loyalty.  On the other hand if the relationship grows negatively then the seed produces thorns. 

This has been on my mind lately on two occasions. The first was a person whom I believed the seed had blossomed into a flurishing plant only to have that person attack it with a chain saw.  After about five years of friendship the person called me a liar and disrespected me to my face, in front of my wife, and as the ripples from the altercation grew, to many of my friends.  The loyalty I had once had for this person was one that I would have sacraficed time, money, and any other material thing to help this person out. For five years that loyalty had grown strong and as a "team", me and this person seemed to excell. But all it took was that one moment. The chain saw only took one swing and it was able to destroy the loyalty. Now growing in the place is pure emptiness. The relationship is gone to the way side and the seed is left vacant. 

The second incident happened with a not so close person. She is my supervisor at work.  Last Wednesday she had made comments to me that I was an unmotivated person that needed constant direction from others or I would slack off. So basically she had called me lazy.  Now before this moment there wasn't a whole lot of growth from the loyalty seed. I respected her as an authority figure and thus did all that was asked of me.  I even endulged her "fist bumps" when leaving work. (which she forced all memebers of our area to do even if we wished not to) The next day she came to me with my last months review and realized that I had actually produced 125% productivity. In previous months I had also recorded well over 100%. She then attempted to apologize in a light joking manner and went on her way as if everything was good. But it was too late. The seed had already produced thorns. For months I give my all to a company because I believe that because they pay me they deserve my best. Her ill informed judgement of me caused me to lose all respect and remove all loyalty from her. 

So in hindsight I wonder to myself how is it "earned" back. If you betray someone, insult someone, or wrong someone, is it possible to recieve their loyalty and respect back?
For me I fear it is probably harder for people to earn back such respect. I can be polite to them to their faces, refuse to bad mouth them behind their backs, and even continue to work hard for them, (because it is the company and not the supervisor that pays me and thus the company still has my respect) but in time can I get over this pain of betrayal and forgive them to the point where I will trust them again? Many will tell me "yes, you just need to pray about it" or "sure, you just need to risk it". I suppose I would want someone to forgive me and give me back their loyalty but I am not dumb and don't assume that is done over night. Can time heal all wounds and bring things back around? Sure in time, but they will never be the same will they?

Ok well anyways thats what was on my mind and now its time to nap before work. Peace.

Making Plans

I find that making plans in life seems to be one of the hardest things for me to do.  Often I just roll with life and what happens happens and ya push through.  Its not like it takes a lot of planning to go to work for 10 hrs a day, it takes a little planning to get to bed at a decent time, a bit more planning for dinner to get on the table (which lately has been my lovely wife more than me, she is such a blessing), but when I begin to think of where I want to go in life there seems to be a lot more planning that I push to the side.  I guess maybe I don't even have a definite desired goal that I am planning for.
Don't get me wrong, I love working at QVC and enjoy the people I work with but that isn't my life. It is a good job that I enjoy but not my passion.  It is the means that gets me the money to accomplish the dreams, which in itself is a plan I suppose. Work to get money to build a good life for my wife and future kids. (and no there is none coming any time soon) But I find myself wondering what exactly do I want to do for a life? What are my plans? I love working with youth. I would love to be a youth pastor of course but I would only like to do that as a volunteer thing. I would love to be a teacher in a private school but I have to get the degree which I owe money for.  I have also developed an interest to understand the mind of people. I guess I have always enjoyed Psychology but more and more I just love trying to understand why people are the way they are. 
So publicly I will resolve to write down my plans thus enforcing others to be able to hold me accountable.  I am going to work at QVC to pay off my loans and attain my degree from BBC.  Once I receive that degree I will apply to become a theology teacher or a math teacher in a private high school.  I will continue to grow in my knowledge and understanding of God and His creation.  Hopefully I will find somewhere that I can get involved with a youth ministry and help build a strong ministry.  It may require some change, some sacrifice, and a bunch of discipline.  I have already begun be deleting some of the games I played on facebook. (good bye Mafia Wars) I suppose how can I expect others to live to their full potential if I allow myself to settle with mediocrity.
Those of you wondering, yes I do derive this from Nehemiah.  He went out at night and inspected the wall, grasping the reality of the situation, and made a plan.  He then sought out others and involved them.  It's time I begin to make my favorite quote real in my life.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" -Marianne Williamson

Adversity

Have you ever felt there are people out there that want you to fail?  People who thirst to see you lose? Is there ever times where you feel what you are doing is right but there seems to be someone who just will not step out of the way so you can continue your path? 

Having adversity has to be one of the most difficult things for a Christian to deal with.  Some how in this modern day Christianity we get a feeling that life is supposed to be smooth and comfortable and if we are trying to do something and our progress gets halted for some reason we give up. 

I can recall back in college when our little church decided to start a basketball ministry.  We had a few of us that instantly fell in love with the idea and wanted to run with it.  There were a few others however that thought since we were a small church located in a very rural area that this would be a waste of funds and time.  We could have at that point just given up on the idea but we did not and we pressed on.  We rented a gym that seemed to be in a former elementary school that was being used as a preschool now. Needless to say if you walked in there you would be surprised to see grown men trying to play in this munchkin gym. 

At first we did not have very many people show up. This seemed to fuel the speculations that this was indeed a waste of time.  We did not give up but instead prayed harder and continued to show up Wednesday after Wednesday and watched as the ministry grew to around twenty guys.  It was such a blessing to be able to give kids something to do and a place to go where they could be influenced by Christians during competition and receive the Word after.

It is a shame but it seems as though anyone who is on a mission will always face adversity. Whether it is from enemies or even members of your own congregation there is always someone willing to shoot down your dreams.  As I continue to read through Nehemiah I see that he faced adversity early on in his mission.

“But when Sanballat the Horonite and Tobiah, the Ammonite servant, heard this, it displeased them greatly that someone had come to seek the welfare of the people of Israel.”  Neh. 2:10

There were antagonists back then as well.  These two people that were listed wouldn’t be the only adversity but they were the first and sadly they were on Nehemiah’s way to Jerusalem and not even involved with the mission.  Sanballat and Tobiah were upset that someone would come and see the welfare of Israelites.  It doesn’t specifically say why it was that they were unhappy with this but they must have made it known outwardly for Nehemiah to have taken notice and write about it later. 

So maybe you have dreams that others tell you would be worthless.  Maybe you have a passion to do something and you are hearing your friends, family, co-workers, congregation, or even strangers tell you that it isn’t worth the time.  If this desire is a true and good desire and you believe in your heart that it is worth attaining then don’t let anyone, no matter who it is, tell you that you can not do it.  Nehemiah had a passion to rebuild a ruined city and though confrontation occurred he continued and succeeded. Push on and press forward. Surround yourself with those who have the same goal and accomplish your dream.

Gloria! The Loss of an Angel

     Way back in 44 B.C. the Ides of March (March 15th) was a day that took a great leader, Julius Caesar.  Today it claimed the life of another less known but more important (in my life) leader. My grandmother Gloria Dineen has passed away from pneumonia this morning around 9am.  She was the matriarchal leader of the family on my mothers side. Her loss has impacted many people and I feel the need to just write about this beautiful woman of God. 
      When I was kicked out of my father's house in tenth grade I went to live with my mother who resided at my grandparents place.  Grandma immediately impacted my life in many ways. She was loving, caring, sweet, smart, and most of all religious. 
      
     Loving- Grandma would open her house to anyone who needed a place to stay. At the time when I needed a place to stay there were already seven people living in that small trailer.  Though it sounds like it would be a tight fit there seemed to be more space than anyone could need and Grandma's love made that small space feel like a true home.  There were always visitors and she made sure everyone was treated with love and respect when they walked in the door.  It meant so much to me that she would welcome me, a tough teenage boy with many issues, into her house and never complain that I was trouble and never once made me feel that I was unwanted.

     Caring- One image that will always stick in my head is seeing Grandma with her plastic bag full of yarn and a partially done blanket.  As soon as she heard someone was having a baby, was in need of some warmth, or falling ill near the end of their lives she was quick to get a blanket started.  She was so focused on getting them done that it seemed like as soon as she finished one there was another in the wings.  She was always so happy with those hooks in her hands.  She was so patient as well that she even took the time out of her day to teach me how to do it as well. Though I never could do the magic that she could I was always just so happy to try.  As odd as it may sound that crochet impacted a teenage boy, just watching her spread her love to others via something her hands made had a profound impact on my life.

     Sweet-  Many memories pop into my mind when I recall my grandma but one that sticks out is how she used to let my grandpa get scratch tickets.  Grandma was always the holder of money between the 2 of them so when we would have to stop and get gas in the van he would have to get the money from her.  She would always give him a twenty and he would get out and put gas in the van.  Most of the time he would only put eighteen dollars in and use the little bit left to get a lottery ticket.  She knew he did that but acted like she didn't know and would allow him to get them.  It would make me smile because my grandfather thought he was doing it secretly but she knew full well and had even said so on a few occasions and yet never got mad at him.  In the few years I spent living in that house I can't recall a time seeing my grandma angry.  Even when Thanksgiving came around she was there cooking dinner and making sure all her family would be full and happy.  She had six children and made sure that if they were coming there would be plenty of food for them, the kids, and anyone else who may join us. Images of her doing word search puzzles while the turkey is cooking will forever be in my mind.

     Smart- I'm not sure if there was ever a time where Grandma wasn't going through a book.  She just loved to read.  I think seeing her read so much helped encourage me to get involved in reading as well.  Though I can't say I gained the same interest in the genre that she was into (romance novels) I remember going into her room just to talk to her and she would be reading.  The romance novel companies can thank her for helping them brace through a recession.  She was always wanting to expand her mind through those books and also Jeopardy.  There weren't many nights that would go by where we didn't turn the TV on at 7pm. We would watch Wheel of Fortune (or wheel of torture as we referred to it when we were younger) and Jeopardy.  Grandma would know answers to questions that I as a high school student was amazed that anyone would know.  Her vast knowledge encouraged me through high school and college and drove me to want to learn more all the time.

     Religious- If there was ever one person I had to pick out as a major influence in my conversion it would be my Grandma.  Though I was rebellious at the age of 16 there was one thing I knew, Grandma is serious about God.  Though I can't say I wanted to go every Sunday, Grandma made sure I went.  We would all pack into the fifteen passenger van and go to church. She was faithful in doing her daily Bible reading and devotions through "Daily Bread".  Watching her take her religion so seriously caused me to step back and view my own opinions.  At the time I was an atheist and couldn't understand how a person could devote their lives to a God they can't see.  Through the few years living there it was refreshing to see her commitment to God.  Knowing that it wasn't easy being in the situations that she had gone through during her life that she would still hold fast to her God was empowering.  She had diabetes and lived in what many would consider a lower income situation and yet she never once questioned God.  If ever I had seen the perfect picture of Christ it was in my own Grandmother.  She loved God with every ounce of her heart.  She showed the love of God in all that she has done and I know for me and the rest of our family we will never forget her strength and love through Jesus.  She walked the faith she believed.  She loved her large family. She lived to provide and give to others without asking for anything in return. 

     Grandma, though I am well aware that you have left this earth and you can not read this, I hope that up in heaven God reveals to you how big of an impact you truly had on the people that you left behind.  I know that I am on the straight and narrow path because you examplified that life for me. Because you chose to love and welcome a troubled teen into your home and love me unconditionally.  You were a strong and wonderful woman of God and I hope that with your love inside of me I can become like you were. Enjoy your life in heaven and know when I die I will seek you out and give you the embrace I was unable to give you on this earth before you passed. I love you greatly and you will be forever missed.

Purpose (Gladiator inspired)

     Today I had on my mind the idea of purpose. I wrote 2 whole blogs ago about "the goal" but I started to think about the purpose of even being in the race.  I was watching Gladiator today and I couldn't help but put myself in the shoes of the main character, Maximus Meridius. He starts the movie fighting in wars for an "ideal" known to him as Rome.  He has never been to the city itself and as the movie later mentions is a Spaniard so the Rome he is fighting for isn't the literal location on a map.  He fights for what Rome stood for. A place much like America would later be viewed as, the "land where dreams come true".  He risked his life in hand to hand combat to fight for a nation he simply lived on the edges of, because he believed in what it stood for.  After the murder of his wife and son and the attempted murder of himself he then gets a new purpose for living, vengeance.  He endures slavery, many gladiator battles, and difficult living situations to get back at the new king who took everything from him and restore the dream that was Rome. In the end he dies accomplishing that dream. He kills Commodus and restores the power to the senate of Rome as Marcus Aurelius had wanted before his murder.  Those who read this and have watched this movie understand completely what I'm talking about.  The whole movie was based on one mans purpose in life.  And as I begin to think of other movies that I love I see that many have the same idea, a man fighting, sacrificing, and even sometimes dying for a purpose that he himself has deemed worthy.  i.e. The Patriot, The Bourne Identity, The Princess Bride, ect.
     On Saturday at roughly 4pm (one hour before I finish work) I looked around and saw that many people were just standing around doing nothing.  I began to think then, what is the purpose for them being here.  They have no loyalty to QVC so to speak other than a source of a pay check. And why am I there. I also would have to admit that i hold no allegiance to the company itself but use it as a pay check which will eventually help me achieve my dreams.  But when i take just a snap shot of my current situation and examine it from an outsider’s perspective I regret to say that one may think I have no purpose.  Honestly what purpose does a man, who picks shirts for people who are too lazy to go to a store and try them on, have in life? (Please don't think that how I view all the customers because I shop online often)
     When I first graduated high school I worked for a paper company and I will admit that I thought that was going to be my life.  I thought that most people just resign to the fact they will work their life away and then die. That was basically my goal. Then when it got shipped over seas I went to a ribbon and lace factory and again developed the same purpose. It wasn't until I went to college that I realized I could be bigger. It wasn't college itself or even the idea of having a degree that made me realize this but more so the realization that there is more to life than just myself and there are people out there that need help and I could be the one to aide them. 
     During college a few books came out by the same author with basically the same premise, so I refused to read them in part because I viewed it as a marketing ploy. "A Purpose Driven........."  Yes that’s right I opposed the purpose driven movement because I figured it wouldn't be long until the man printed "A Purpose Driven Pet".  But in retrospect I suppose that those books may have seemed valuable except for the fact that the people who had referenced those same books in conversation didn't seem to me to be people living with a purpose.
     As of late we have been discussing world views and such in church, I have been watching shows such as "Undercover Millionaire" or something like that and seen the reason people need to have a purpose beyond themselves.  Also stated in previous posts was that I was going through Nehemiah lately for daily devotionals.  These things have made me begin to question, what is my motivation and how do I make it action?
   
     "And I said, "O LORD God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned.  We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses.  Remember the words that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your dispersed be under the farthest skies, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there."

     I bolded some of the places that I thought were interesting.  Here is a man that is the cup bearer for the King and decides he wants to go back and fix the old city.  A man living in a palace, probably getting treated pretty well wants to go back to the slums of Judah and fix Jerusalem.  He has determined a purpose for that period in his life.  More importantly he equates himself with the rest of Gods people.  He has found a reason and purpose to fight. He puts himself as part of the people who have sinned against God though he was a generation or so removed from the original exile, he realizes that his bloodline has done wrong, and he aims to right the wrongs and restore Israel back to its rightful spot as the City of God. 
    For a while now my wife and I have questioned purpose as it pertains to churches in general.  Honestly as I view many churches all I see is a bunch of spectators sitting in pews paying 20 bucks a week for a message they don't always even listen to.  Is it tradition that keeps us in the pew? Is it that we are afraid of the ridicule from friends and family if we are not there Sunday morning? Or is it truly because we are part of a mission and we are purposed to see it through.  I'm sure we can all admit it’s not because we like to sit on old wooden furniture early Sunday mornings.
     A little while ago I felt I had purpose in my church, being that I helped with youth group.  Now that doesn't exist and I am just the power point button pusher once a month. (thank you Dan Francis for all the help learning that specific trade during class chapels) What is my purpose now? To make sure people have the right lyrics on the screen? Where can I be involved? Do we have outreach? Do I have to just do it by myself and be a maverick? So many questions arise mainly, "As part of a congregation what are our plans on the grand scheme of things?"
     So many churches have programs, classes, choirs, bands, and so on but how are we going to do what Nehemiah did? Stand strong in the face of a secular king and build the city of God.  When are we as a body going to show the world that the Bible has the answers to the world’s problems?  How to raise a family, how to manage money, how to run a government, and most of all how to exist are all answers found in scripture.  I purpose to be a part of the big picture, to encourage those around me to join in and begin to impact the community, the country, and the world.  (Not like Westboro Baptist Church which may be my next entry)
We are a body. It's time we stop sleeping and do some action, together, as one, with PURPOSE!